Posts
How dare you
Do you think your life more important than your son's?
Do you remember the day your Mother died?
Do you? Did your heart break into a million tiny little pieces?
I bet you just wanted your Mommy back.
Bring her back -
A child of 5 or 6, still too young to fully understand.
To grasp death, eternal sleep would not come until later.
Until then you maybe felt left behind.
Forgotten.
Why did she leave me?
It was later, as you grew, you knew.
She was sick.
God wanted her.
"I need her now," he said, "It is her time".
You realize now the choice was not hers to make.
But you still miss her. Maybe you even blame her.
Now you have a son.
But the choice is yours to make.
Are you a Daddy or do you just have a son?
Do you have the love? Do you have the strength?
Do you have the courage?
The choice is yours to make.
Are you a Daddy or do you just have a son.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
A New Beginning - A New Book
On the eve of my last day at my current job I have feelings of mixed emotions. This job was more than just a job. It was an education. I grew - both professionally and personally during my six and a half years there. It has truly been a journey.
I'm so excited to be walking down a new path come Monday, but a bit sad saying goodbye to the path I just traveled. I learned a lot on my last walk. More than I knew possible.
Saying goodbye to the last six and a half years is kind of like finishing a really good book. You had an incredible time reading it. You got caught up in the story and enjoyed every minute. You got to know the characters and even began to think of them as your friends. As you near the end of the book, you are anxious to find out the ending, but also a bit sad you've made it there - to the end. You read that last sentence and close the book and sit there a few moments and think about what you just read. You think about how that amazing book made you feel and what it helped you learn about yourself. You hold the book in your hand and feel a little disappointed that the end came so soon.
You set the book down and begin to feel the excitement of your next book. A whole new book of chapters. A whole new cast of characters. Your anticipation of this new book overwhelms you and you can't wait to pick it up.
Now, your new story begins.
I'm so excited to be walking down a new path come Monday, but a bit sad saying goodbye to the path I just traveled. I learned a lot on my last walk. More than I knew possible.
Saying goodbye to the last six and a half years is kind of like finishing a really good book. You had an incredible time reading it. You got caught up in the story and enjoyed every minute. You got to know the characters and even began to think of them as your friends. As you near the end of the book, you are anxious to find out the ending, but also a bit sad you've made it there - to the end. You read that last sentence and close the book and sit there a few moments and think about what you just read. You think about how that amazing book made you feel and what it helped you learn about yourself. You hold the book in your hand and feel a little disappointed that the end came so soon.
You set the book down and begin to feel the excitement of your next book. A whole new book of chapters. A whole new cast of characters. Your anticipation of this new book overwhelms you and you can't wait to pick it up.
Now, your new story begins.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Moving in Place
Have you ever felt stuck? Have you ever felt you were moving in place, not really going anywhere? Not backward...certainly not forward, just kind of moving - in place.
That is where I found myself not so long ago. I felt like here I was, this person with so much to offer, but there weren't any takers. Of course I wasn't putting anything out there either. I want to make a difference every day, no matter how big or how small.
I was going to work everyday, but the magic was gone. The passion was gone. My heart was not in it anymore. It took a while, but I realized this unhappiness in my work was bleeding into the rest of my life. I wasn't so happy anymore. I didn't feel too excited about anything. I was just kind of there, moving in place. Life went on around me - but I wasn't much of an active participant.
Something finally awakened me out of this passionless period, this work induced coma. Something happened at my job, something that for some reason triggered my realization that it wasn't just me feeling like I wasn't making a difference anymore, but rather I wasn't being allowed to make a difference. For some reason this event, while not major, but extremely significant made the difference. It woke me up - I realized I was on this treadmill of my life. Walking - in place. Moving...in Place.
It was time to make a change.
That very evening I got on the job boards on the internet. Again, not a major event, but a very significant one. It was time for me to get moving...to get moving forward.
That is where I found myself not so long ago. I felt like here I was, this person with so much to offer, but there weren't any takers. Of course I wasn't putting anything out there either. I want to make a difference every day, no matter how big or how small.
I was going to work everyday, but the magic was gone. The passion was gone. My heart was not in it anymore. It took a while, but I realized this unhappiness in my work was bleeding into the rest of my life. I wasn't so happy anymore. I didn't feel too excited about anything. I was just kind of there, moving in place. Life went on around me - but I wasn't much of an active participant.
Something finally awakened me out of this passionless period, this work induced coma. Something happened at my job, something that for some reason triggered my realization that it wasn't just me feeling like I wasn't making a difference anymore, but rather I wasn't being allowed to make a difference. For some reason this event, while not major, but extremely significant made the difference. It woke me up - I realized I was on this treadmill of my life. Walking - in place. Moving...in Place.
It was time to make a change.
That very evening I got on the job boards on the internet. Again, not a major event, but a very significant one. It was time for me to get moving...to get moving forward.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Football is to me as Water is to most!
This blog entry promises to be much lighter at heart...just gonna share one of my loves with you.
Yahoo! It's that time of year again...football season!
For those of you who know me, football is a necessity in my life. Football is to me, what water is to most - you just can't live without it. Sundays are holy for a whole other reason than the obvious! Don't bother me from about 10am until after 11pm on Sundays.
Here's why:
10 am - Pregame on ESPN
10:30 am - First snack - maybe a muffin or something a little like breakfast
11 am - Pregame continues on ESPN, but is also on CBS and FOX - time for a little channel surfing. See who has the best interviews and game line ups for the day.
Noon - YAHOO! Kickoff of game one!
Also at Noon - Grab the first soda of the day, it's Nacho or Chex Mix Time
1:30-2:00 - this may be a good time to get a hold of me, it is probably half time, but I may be sneaking in a 15 min nap!
2:30 pm - Grab another soda, gotta wake up from my short nap! Probably also time for another snack. Maybe peanuts and some licorice (gotta have sweet with the salt ya know)!
3:00 pm - Game 2 Kickoff!
6:00-7:15 - Game wrap ups, pregame for Sunday Night Football
7:15 pm - Game 3 of the day! Don't forget, Sunday Night Football is on NBC this year!
What a great day, huh? Here's the other problem with Sundays, Nascar is also on through November - what a dilemma! However, since my favorite driver Tony Stewart isn't in the chase for the cup.
Mondays are no longer days to hate during the Fall, because it doesn't get better than Monday Night Football.
I am officially out of commission Monday evenings! Too busy with MNF!
Again, those of you who know me, don't plan any gatherings or parties on Sunday, I won't be able to make it! Unless you promise to have a tv in your house tuned to Football for me. Don't be offended if I just hang with the guys - it's what I do during Football Season!
Yahoo! It's that time of year again...football season!
For those of you who know me, football is a necessity in my life. Football is to me, what water is to most - you just can't live without it. Sundays are holy for a whole other reason than the obvious! Don't bother me from about 10am until after 11pm on Sundays.
Here's why:
10 am - Pregame on ESPN
10:30 am - First snack - maybe a muffin or something a little like breakfast
11 am - Pregame continues on ESPN, but is also on CBS and FOX - time for a little channel surfing. See who has the best interviews and game line ups for the day.
Noon - YAHOO! Kickoff of game one!
Also at Noon - Grab the first soda of the day, it's Nacho or Chex Mix Time
1:30-2:00 - this may be a good time to get a hold of me, it is probably half time, but I may be sneaking in a 15 min nap!
2:30 pm - Grab another soda, gotta wake up from my short nap! Probably also time for another snack. Maybe peanuts and some licorice (gotta have sweet with the salt ya know)!
3:00 pm - Game 2 Kickoff!
6:00-7:15 - Game wrap ups, pregame for Sunday Night Football
7:15 pm - Game 3 of the day! Don't forget, Sunday Night Football is on NBC this year!
What a great day, huh? Here's the other problem with Sundays, Nascar is also on through November - what a dilemma! However, since my favorite driver Tony Stewart isn't in the chase for the cup.
Mondays are no longer days to hate during the Fall, because it doesn't get better than Monday Night Football.
I am officially out of commission Monday evenings! Too busy with MNF!
Again, those of you who know me, don't plan any gatherings or parties on Sunday, I won't be able to make it! Unless you promise to have a tv in your house tuned to Football for me. Don't be offended if I just hang with the guys - it's what I do during Football Season!
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Choices
"I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.” - Leo Rosten
Is anyone else out there still trying to figure out why they were put on this Earth? What their purpose is? What exactly is my calling anyway? I am most certain that selling toilets and flappers isn't my calling. I guess I'm still looking for it.
Some days, honestly who has time for figuring that out. I'm just trying to get myself and my kid out the door and get the day started. And if you are a mom, you know what a challenge that can be! We are lucky to just get out the door fully dressed with two matching shoes. Sometimes, some days, maybe even for weeks at a time, I just go through the daily routine. There are days where I suddenly come out of my daze and realize I was on autopilot the whole day. It may be 2pm and I don't even remember kissing my child goodbye at school, eating lunch or stopping at the post office.
It isn't that you don't truly remember it, but that you realize you weren't in the moment. You weren't fully conscious and in full recognition of the moment. Now you may be thinking, is there really any moment to "be in" at the post office? Maybe not. But maybe so. So many times, we just go full steam ahead, head down, focused on our daily tasks, jobs, actions. If we take the time to be in the moment, completely and fully conscious of where we are, what we are feeling - isn't it possible to be one of our greater moments?
Let's get back to that time at the post office. You know the drill at the post office. In most cases, you hurry in (because you are running late) only to find a line of about 7 people deep and one person behind the counter. Instantly, you are stressed and irritated and you are quickly calculating just how long this process is going to take you and just how late you are going to be for your next stop. While doing this you are asking your child (kindly at first) not to run in and out and under the crowd control ropes. Subconsciously you are thinking, 'if they have crowd control ropes up, shouldn't they have more than one person behind the counter'?
You try to be patient, but quickly grow more frustrated by the moment. To top it off, you are watching the one person behind the counter and can clearly see they are not Mr./Ms. Personality. Furthermore, they seem to be irritated just doing their job.
About five minutes pass and it is finally your turn! Now you have a choice:
Plop all your stuff on the counter loudly and say, "I need to mail these first class. Joey, stop hanging on the counter! I don't need it registered - I said stop it Joey! I don't need insurance either." Sigh. Sigh again (she's slow at typing in the information).
"J-O-E-Y! I. SAID. STOP. IT."
Sigh.
"I can't take you anywhere, if you can't act nicely, then I won't take you to the post office again!" Huh! Like that is a real threat.
You give your money to the lady behind the counter, get your change and grab your child's hand and rush out the door in the same hurry you came in.
OR
You walk up to the counter with a smile on your face and say, "Hello - How ya doin' today?"
She smiles very slightly and warily says, "I'm fine, thank you."
You can tell from the inflection in her voice that she is barely fine.
"Wow, it's pretty busy in here today, isn't it?"
She softly says, "Yeah, it's been crazy from the moment we opened. I don't know what is going on."
"I'd like to mail these letters next day, but I don't need any registration on them."
"Ok, it will take me just a minute."
"Joey, please don't hang on the counter."
A moment later, she finishes up your letters and gives you the receipt, "Here you go, thank you."
"Thank you," you say with a smile. "I hope your day slows down and you get a breather!"
She gives you her first smile of the day and says, "I hope so too, I could use a quiet moment".
You may not have realized it, but truly being in the moment at the post office that day made a difference to her. You were the first person to ask her how she was doing - and mean it. Every other person she helped up to that point was in their own world. They were just going through the motions. You actually made her smile...for the first time since she found out the day before she had cancer.
I'm not always good at making these choices myself and often find myself going through the motions. But I try to remind myself to make a difference in one person's life everyday. Even if that just means holding the door open for someone, or letting someone with less items step in front of me in line at the grocery store.
Everyday we encounter and interact with several people, many of them strangers. If we just tried to be more present in most of those moments and not be so self focused, we could make a difference in more people's lives. I'm as guilty as the next person of getting self absorbed in my life - but I try everyday to make a difference.
Pay it forward - as the saying goes.
Is anyone else out there still trying to figure out why they were put on this Earth? What their purpose is? What exactly is my calling anyway? I am most certain that selling toilets and flappers isn't my calling. I guess I'm still looking for it.
Some days, honestly who has time for figuring that out. I'm just trying to get myself and my kid out the door and get the day started. And if you are a mom, you know what a challenge that can be! We are lucky to just get out the door fully dressed with two matching shoes. Sometimes, some days, maybe even for weeks at a time, I just go through the daily routine. There are days where I suddenly come out of my daze and realize I was on autopilot the whole day. It may be 2pm and I don't even remember kissing my child goodbye at school, eating lunch or stopping at the post office.
It isn't that you don't truly remember it, but that you realize you weren't in the moment. You weren't fully conscious and in full recognition of the moment. Now you may be thinking, is there really any moment to "be in" at the post office? Maybe not. But maybe so. So many times, we just go full steam ahead, head down, focused on our daily tasks, jobs, actions. If we take the time to be in the moment, completely and fully conscious of where we are, what we are feeling - isn't it possible to be one of our greater moments?
Let's get back to that time at the post office. You know the drill at the post office. In most cases, you hurry in (because you are running late) only to find a line of about 7 people deep and one person behind the counter. Instantly, you are stressed and irritated and you are quickly calculating just how long this process is going to take you and just how late you are going to be for your next stop. While doing this you are asking your child (kindly at first) not to run in and out and under the crowd control ropes. Subconsciously you are thinking, 'if they have crowd control ropes up, shouldn't they have more than one person behind the counter'?
You try to be patient, but quickly grow more frustrated by the moment. To top it off, you are watching the one person behind the counter and can clearly see they are not Mr./Ms. Personality. Furthermore, they seem to be irritated just doing their job.
About five minutes pass and it is finally your turn! Now you have a choice:
Plop all your stuff on the counter loudly and say, "I need to mail these first class. Joey, stop hanging on the counter! I don't need it registered - I said stop it Joey! I don't need insurance either." Sigh. Sigh again (she's slow at typing in the information).
"J-O-E-Y! I. SAID. STOP. IT."
Sigh.
"I can't take you anywhere, if you can't act nicely, then I won't take you to the post office again!" Huh! Like that is a real threat.
You give your money to the lady behind the counter, get your change and grab your child's hand and rush out the door in the same hurry you came in.
OR
You walk up to the counter with a smile on your face and say, "Hello - How ya doin' today?"
She smiles very slightly and warily says, "I'm fine, thank you."
You can tell from the inflection in her voice that she is barely fine.
"Wow, it's pretty busy in here today, isn't it?"
She softly says, "Yeah, it's been crazy from the moment we opened. I don't know what is going on."
"I'd like to mail these letters next day, but I don't need any registration on them."
"Ok, it will take me just a minute."
"Joey, please don't hang on the counter."
A moment later, she finishes up your letters and gives you the receipt, "Here you go, thank you."
"Thank you," you say with a smile. "I hope your day slows down and you get a breather!"
She gives you her first smile of the day and says, "I hope so too, I could use a quiet moment".
You may not have realized it, but truly being in the moment at the post office that day made a difference to her. You were the first person to ask her how she was doing - and mean it. Every other person she helped up to that point was in their own world. They were just going through the motions. You actually made her smile...for the first time since she found out the day before she had cancer.
I'm not always good at making these choices myself and often find myself going through the motions. But I try to remind myself to make a difference in one person's life everyday. Even if that just means holding the door open for someone, or letting someone with less items step in front of me in line at the grocery store.
Everyday we encounter and interact with several people, many of them strangers. If we just tried to be more present in most of those moments and not be so self focused, we could make a difference in more people's lives. I'm as guilty as the next person of getting self absorbed in my life - but I try everyday to make a difference.
Pay it forward - as the saying goes.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
When I'm not at my best - and that's often!
So as I've mentioned, I'm working on finding the best in me. Something we should all be doing, right? Especially if you watch Oprah, you know how important it is to find that inner self, your true being and be loyal to that.
Well, I'm trying damnit, but things just keep getting in the way. Specifically, life. It just has a way of interrupting all my grand plans to better myself. I see some Oprah that is about being true to yourself and who you are - really investigating what it is that makes you who you are. I get all pumped up and start some new version of meditation that allows me to dig deep in my soul and better myself while watching American Idol - then suddenly I'm interrupted by, "Mommy, I'm done pooping - I need help!"
So how am I supposed to find the best in me while wiping my kid's butt? Oops, I can't say that, the kid police informed me I can only say, "bottom". So I guess I find the best in me between those moments. Sometimes I find myself recognizing the best in me when I'm really not at my best.
Like those times at the end of the day when I'm frazzled and tired and just want to stick my nose in the middle of a People magazine - so I do. Meanwhile my son is vying for my attention, wanting me to help him build a race track or something. I selfishly tell him it is going to have to wait, "Mommy is tired honey. I'll help you in a little bit". Five minutes pass, ten minutes pass - all the while every other minute my son is asking for some help.
This is when it dawns on me, this is not my best mommy in me for sure. I'm trying to escape my son's requests for some help so I can read about Tori Spelling and her feud with her mother.
Full Circle moment here. I'm putting off playing with my son so I can read about someone else's feud with their mother? Snap out of it! Is this really the best in me? I hardly think so - I think it is what is called a, momentary lapse in reason. Or maybe it's just exhaustion.
So I set down the magazine and get on the floor with the most precious little boy and discuss our plans for the best race track around. Tori and her mother can wait - I've got better things to do.
Should we make three right handers and one left hand turn? Do we need a bridge? Is this the parking lot for the Target that is so conveniently placed next to this track we are building? What about McDonald's? I think we built the track three different times before we were both happy with the outcome.
Then my son said, "you are the coolest mom around".
Now that my friends, that is The Best in Me.
Well, I'm trying damnit, but things just keep getting in the way. Specifically, life. It just has a way of interrupting all my grand plans to better myself. I see some Oprah that is about being true to yourself and who you are - really investigating what it is that makes you who you are. I get all pumped up and start some new version of meditation that allows me to dig deep in my soul and better myself while watching American Idol - then suddenly I'm interrupted by, "Mommy, I'm done pooping - I need help!"
So how am I supposed to find the best in me while wiping my kid's butt? Oops, I can't say that, the kid police informed me I can only say, "bottom". So I guess I find the best in me between those moments. Sometimes I find myself recognizing the best in me when I'm really not at my best.
Like those times at the end of the day when I'm frazzled and tired and just want to stick my nose in the middle of a People magazine - so I do. Meanwhile my son is vying for my attention, wanting me to help him build a race track or something. I selfishly tell him it is going to have to wait, "Mommy is tired honey. I'll help you in a little bit". Five minutes pass, ten minutes pass - all the while every other minute my son is asking for some help.
This is when it dawns on me, this is not my best mommy in me for sure. I'm trying to escape my son's requests for some help so I can read about Tori Spelling and her feud with her mother.
Full Circle moment here. I'm putting off playing with my son so I can read about someone else's feud with their mother? Snap out of it! Is this really the best in me? I hardly think so - I think it is what is called a, momentary lapse in reason. Or maybe it's just exhaustion.
So I set down the magazine and get on the floor with the most precious little boy and discuss our plans for the best race track around. Tori and her mother can wait - I've got better things to do.
Should we make three right handers and one left hand turn? Do we need a bridge? Is this the parking lot for the Target that is so conveniently placed next to this track we are building? What about McDonald's? I think we built the track three different times before we were both happy with the outcome.
Then my son said, "you are the coolest mom around".
Now that my friends, that is The Best in Me.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Virgin Blogger: It's my first time, go easy on me!
I am a Virgin. A virgin blogger - so go easy on me. This is my first entry in the blogosphere. Why blog? That is the question, right? Because I have a lot to say about nothing at all...And my friends are tired of listening. I talk too much, a genetic thing (thank you mom and dad).
I am an aspiring writer and have been writing since I was in junior high. In junior high and high school it was those sappy, lovelorn, how come nobody loves me poems. Once I got to college there were just too many essays and term papers to write anything "fun". For a while after college, life got in the way and the only writing I did was the responses to Department of Insurance complaints on behalf of the insurance company I worked for. Oh yeah and the checks to my lending agencies that paid for my college tuition.
After my son was born, I got into that Christmas letter writing. You know the ones that you receive the month of December (and from the exceptionally organized and anal families you may receive some in November, like two days after Thanksgiving - geez, let my turkey digest before you make me read your freakin' Xmas letter).
Anyway...As I was saying - Christmas letters. I started writing those things, but I was clever and tried to at least entertain those friends and family I sent them too. I tried not to brag too much about my son and tried not to bore too much.
I received a lot of feedback on those letters from my friends and family. They thought they were funny, quirky and creative. They said they were a refreshing break from the "normal" Xmas letters they'd been receiving. Those comments gave me the extra push, the courage I needed to start writing on a more formal basis. And when I say formal, I mean, I sit down to write, "when I have time" - ha ha. They (whomever 'they' is) say you should dedicate a specific time each day to writing, if you want to write a book. Well, being a divorced mother who works full time, I just have difficulty doing that. So, I write when I can, when the spirit moves me. I hope, in the best of me, I find the time to be more loyal to doing what I love and not just what I should be doing.
I'll be honest, I signed up and named this blog back in October of 2005 and am not writing my first entry until July 31, 2006. That is sooo terrible. I hope to be much more diligent in actually writing.
I will dedicate some of the free time I have to writing this blog and to my other writings and hope one day, you can find me doing a book signing at a book store some where. Until then - enjoy the blog. My hope through this blog is that I will polish my writing, find my voice, entertain some of you and find the best in me (doesn't that just touch your heart and make you teary).
As I was writing the first paragraph, I was on the phone with a friend/coworker of mine. I was telling her what I was doing, and she yawned (thanks Kiks)! Now she swears in no way, that it had to do with my blog. However, as I mentioned before, I talk too much and my friends are tired of listening. Now they are going to have to read my voice in addition to just listening to it!
Remember, this is my VERY FIRST entry in a blog, EVER. I'm a virgin blogger - go easy on me.
I am an aspiring writer and have been writing since I was in junior high. In junior high and high school it was those sappy, lovelorn, how come nobody loves me poems. Once I got to college there were just too many essays and term papers to write anything "fun". For a while after college, life got in the way and the only writing I did was the responses to Department of Insurance complaints on behalf of the insurance company I worked for. Oh yeah and the checks to my lending agencies that paid for my college tuition.
After my son was born, I got into that Christmas letter writing. You know the ones that you receive the month of December (and from the exceptionally organized and anal families you may receive some in November, like two days after Thanksgiving - geez, let my turkey digest before you make me read your freakin' Xmas letter).
Just a quick interruption: I, in no way profess to be great at grammar and understand sentence structure may not always be up to par. Thankfully they have editors if I ever get published!
Anyway...As I was saying - Christmas letters. I started writing those things, but I was clever and tried to at least entertain those friends and family I sent them too. I tried not to brag too much about my son and tried not to bore too much.
I received a lot of feedback on those letters from my friends and family. They thought they were funny, quirky and creative. They said they were a refreshing break from the "normal" Xmas letters they'd been receiving. Those comments gave me the extra push, the courage I needed to start writing on a more formal basis. And when I say formal, I mean, I sit down to write, "when I have time" - ha ha. They (whomever 'they' is) say you should dedicate a specific time each day to writing, if you want to write a book. Well, being a divorced mother who works full time, I just have difficulty doing that. So, I write when I can, when the spirit moves me. I hope, in the best of me, I find the time to be more loyal to doing what I love and not just what I should be doing.
I'll be honest, I signed up and named this blog back in October of 2005 and am not writing my first entry until July 31, 2006. That is sooo terrible. I hope to be much more diligent in actually writing.
I will dedicate some of the free time I have to writing this blog and to my other writings and hope one day, you can find me doing a book signing at a book store some where. Until then - enjoy the blog. My hope through this blog is that I will polish my writing, find my voice, entertain some of you and find the best in me (doesn't that just touch your heart and make you teary).
As I was writing the first paragraph, I was on the phone with a friend/coworker of mine. I was telling her what I was doing, and she yawned (thanks Kiks)! Now she swears in no way, that it had to do with my blog. However, as I mentioned before, I talk too much and my friends are tired of listening. Now they are going to have to read my voice in addition to just listening to it!
Remember, this is my VERY FIRST entry in a blog, EVER. I'm a virgin blogger - go easy on me.
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